A Long Time Coming.

Inactivity reciprocates by creating rust and cobwebs, leaving nothing but debris. It drives nothing but purposeless living, of which I personally find excruciating. It leaves you in pieces. And the painful part of it all is that you've to take on full responsibility to clear the mess you created.

For the past month or so, I've been highly inactive and passive in more ways than I can mention or remember. I've left many things hanging on a thread, thinking that I could make do without them. As a result, all I ended up with were holes. I didn't know a better way to handle the situation, so I didn't. And somehow, I think that cost me.

Being a feeler by nature, I've felt and experienced emotions that weren't necessarily enjoyable. But I didn't speak a word of it. I couldn't bring myself to. I thought it was a time to be upset with myself and I kept running. Escapism really isn't a way out at all because soon enough, it numbed my spirit. Now, that, cost me. Dearly.

I was disappointed at myself - At all the efforts that I've kept away and my inability to keep my spirit on the right track. I looked back at what I wrote a month ago and asked myself, where did that girl go?

I've had moments with God, but that's not what I want or need. I want and need leaps and bounds more. Desperation bells are ringing off the hook and sound waves are travelling from my mind to my heart.

All through the month, my bean friend has been reminding me to keep the lessons I've learned close, even though purposeless has been driving me nowhere over this long holiday. Thank you bean friend, for being ever supportive :) I'm pretty amazed that God has been silently and secretly filling each day. And there's only but 2 weeks left before school begins again.

I've been attending and creating activities one after another throughout this break and though my spirit was broken, it was alive. I'm not upset that this holiday wasn't based on God Himself, because He allowed for people to bless my life. Because of them, I had a reason to smile. And I'm thankful even though my spirit's still struggling in certain aspects.

To a special group of people, my POLITE cell mates; Cho, Ian, Manda and Vanessa, you have all creeped in and found yourselves a spot in my heart. That really surprised me because even after separation and currently being in different cells, we're bonding like we've never bonded before. And I ask myself, why didn't this take place before? After all the initiatives, we've found ourselves back at square one. And it was the best place to begin :) Thank you.

And to those whom I've secretly buried in my heart, sorry that I've been an inactive friend. But I have you all to thank too. For always reminding me that you're still a part of my life.

The weekend with Wayne and Libby brought surprises. God-surprises. I was brought back to my life verse:

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
Psalms 51:17

I had to interrogate my soul. What is the substance of my soul? Has my soul and life been singing? Will my life still sing?

I lost my song, but I'm making a deliberate attempt to regain the substance of my soul. I'll persevere, until my soul sings:

"It's a new place, from a new heart. It's a new day."